A Bag for That

"Do you have a bag for it?"

Victor hurriedly walked away from the site, panicked paranoia causing his fists to clench and his brow to sweat. It wasn't his fault, he just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. He hurriedly dialed Patrick's number, and arranged a rendezvous with him in that moment, in the library.

Patrick would believe him. Patrick always believed him. Victor was an unlucky fellow; he had the opposite effect of Midas' touch-everywhere he went, something was broken, stolen, and in one case, dropped from a hot-air balloon (but that's a whole other story). Each and every time, Victor would go to Patrick, and Patrick would make it better.

***

Patrick and Victor settled down into the big comfy armchairs and Patrick proceeded with the usual question-and-answer session:
"Was it your fault?"
"No."
"Was it someone else's fault?"
"I don't know."
"Did something break?"
"Well...one might say that."
"Was something physically injured?"
"Well...one might say that."
"Where were you when this 'something' happened"?
"At the time of the happening?
"Yes."
"I don't know."
"What do you mean you don't know?"
"When I got there...it had already happened."
"What had already happened?"
"I don't know."
"So, when you came across the something, what had happened to it?"
"It looked like an inanimate object."
"Is that object usually inanimate?"
"No."
"So you found something dead?"
"Yeah, so I was also wondering, do you have a bag for it?"
"You want a body bag?"
"I guess you could call it that."
"Victor, did you find a dead body?"
"I did."
"Well, do you know who it was?"
"Well, I'm not entirely familiar with all the creatures of the forest, but I think it was Sam the ant."
"Whose aunt?"
"I don't know."
"Oh, so you're not familiar with the family tree?"
"Well, I think it was the elm tree."
"Oh, the Elm family? What a tragedy for them."
"Yeah, that whole tree is just falling apart, rotting and everything. It's entirely the fault of the outsiders they let into that tree."
"I agree. So, anyway, you found this dead body?"
"Yeah, it was just laying there, all crumpled up."
"And, why do you need a body bag?"
"So I can give the body a proper funeral."
"But shouldn't the police handle a dead body in the forest?"
"I don't really want to bother the police with this."
"Why? You have nothing to cover up."
"I know, it's just that I want to handle it. The body is very delicate."
"Victor, that is a dead human being. The police need to know about it."

Victor looked astonished, but then began to chuckle.

"You thought I was talking about a human body?"
"Yes...what were you talking about?"
"An ant, like the insect? Didn't I say that? You need to listen better."
"Oh...you did. I guess I just misunderstood. But wait - you called me in hysterics. You mean to tell me I abandoned my crossword puzzle and steaming cup of coffee to help you deal with a dead ANT?"
"This was a big deal to me."

You see, Victor also had a tendency to make mountains out of anthills.